Features:
1. Full Nuclear Combat!
2. Research new technologies!
3. Complete and utter destruction!

Requirements:
0. A Macintosh Computer thing
1. OS X 10.4 or later
2. Sound
3. Shirt
4. Shoes
5. A little time

What the hell is it?
Atomic Combat is a 'location guessing' game in the spirit of Battleship: You have factories, cities, research centers, reactors, silos, airfields and hopefully enough nuclear weapons to destroy your three closest neighbors. However you don't know where their resources and cities are... You are firing blind into a grid of possible locations, trying desperately to maim, kill, or irradiate as many citizens of your alleged 'enemies' as possible- problem is that they're doing the same... Research new and more powerful weapons, send out bombers and missiles, and generally cause mayhem and destruction!

And why did it taking you so long? I started Atomic Combat about a year ago, intending to write an ambiguous game of mass destruction centered around diplomacy and tact... Problem was that diplomacy and tact are pretty dry subjects and my AI was way too complicated; the game was called Atomic Combat, but the possibility of actually engaging in a nuclear confrontation was low at best- So I changed the game completely, removed any kind of diplomacy and just made a nice fairly straight-forward game about mass destruction.

Features:
1. Animated "smoke"
2. Multiple Ashtrays!
R. Butt collection! (not available in widget)
4. Completely Useless! (Fully available in widget)
5. Universal Binary!!!
6. Fully Leopard Compatible! (umm... not v1.0)

Requirements:
1a. OS X 10.3 or 10.4... (version 1.0)
1b. OS X 10.4 or Later... (version 1.0.1)
1c. OS X 10.4.7 or Later... (widget)
2. Monkey wrench
3. Disposable Beard
4.

Facts and Figures
I think I need a smoke break…
Desktop Cigarette is the acme of useless junk!! The Ultimate in unnecessary accessories! An animated ashtray and cigarette for your dock (?!) Now with four (4!!) different ashtrays, butt collection, and better looking smoke- just what every smorker needs! (actual needs of smorker may vary)

About the widget:
I made Desktop Cigarette into a widget because I broke the application version real good readying it for Leopard (OSX 10.5) I currently have back-burner plans to repair the App, but since the widget is seemingly 1000x more popular, it's not likely to happen.
Includes all four ashtrays from the app, PLUS a cigar and a random and out-of-place overly-transparent teapot!

Version 1.0.1 works under OSX 10.5, however it has a pretty active memory leak... I have tracked the offending call down, but Desktop Cigarette now needs a complete overhaul to plug the leak... the program works fine, it'll just slowly eat your memory! Beware!

I have added the link to Version 1.0 again, so if you AREN'T running Leopard, please download 1.0!

For the Desktop Cigarette Widget: Mac OS X 10.4.7 Tiger or better is required. If you're using Safari, click the download link. When the widget download is complete, Show Dashboard, click the Plus sign to display the Widget Bar and click the widget's icon in the Widget Bar to open it. If you're using a browser other than Safari, click the download link. When the widget download is complete, unarchive it and place it in /Library/Widgets/ in your home folder. Show Dashboard, click the Plus sign to display the Widget Bar and click the widget's icon in the Widget Bar to open it. (Thank you Apple!)

Features:
1. Glorious Black & White
2. Test Tube Excitement!
5b. Mustache Manger 1.0
5. Universal Binary!!!
Requirements:
1. OS X 10.3 or Later…
2. A Keyboard
3. The Quicktime
4. An index finger

History
My good friend and co-worker Kloewer actually came up with this one. While outside on a smoke break, a little toy dog locked in a car attempted to assault us through a closed window… After wishing harm upon a little dog locked in a car, Kloewer came up with this horrible idea and I ran with it.

That's right! You've become an irresponsible parent racing against time trying to fill your shopping list! Gather mustaches, hamburgers, cheese and Product™ before the temperature reaches 120 degrees!!! What does it all mean?!?! We don't know! But it sure is entertaining! With every level the initial temperature gets higher and your shopping list gets longer. Collect mustaches and use Mojiferous Industries' Patented Mustache Manager to upgrade your character's facial hair! All of this while enjoying the glorious black and white!

Facts and Figures
Heat Stroke is a strange little Pacman-like clone, based around the idea that you have left your baby/pet in a locked car on a hot day and you have to go shopping before they die from heat stroke. This involves a race against the clock (in the form of a thermometer), while you try to gather products- the only problem is that there are other customers trying to buy the same products. Products are represented by icons (hamburgers, cheese, a mustache, and Product) and are only present on the game board one at a time. There are currently 8 other customers, who will stop you for a few seconds if they come into contact with your character. The entire game is grayscale- I tried to make it look like some kind of 50's advertisement on TV… You score "points" in Heat Stroke by collecting mustaches- allowing you to access the Mustache Manager, where you can upgrade your character's facial hair and add features like monocles, top hats, eye patches and the like.


Disclaimer: Obviously, we do not condone locking either your children or your pets in a car on a hot day (or any day for that matter; take your kids with you, leave your pets at home… If they can't come in the store, don't take them along!). If you do however, not only are you an evil brainless nitwit, but you also do not deserve to have kids or pets. That being said, Please realize that this game is entertainment, not real life, so please don't send me hate mail nor hold me responsible for your own failings as a parent/owner. Enjoy!

Features:
1. Sound!
2. Graphics!
3. Disco!
D. Universal Binary
Requirements:
I. A Macintosh (just about any will do)
III. OS X 10.2+
IV. RAM (any)
V. A working monitor
VI. Functioning sound
X. Pants (please don't pet the lobster pantsless, much less naked.)

History
Lobster Petting was originally released in 1996 for System 7. After many seemingly pointless ports (for Windows, DOS, Linux, the HP 48G calculator, and aborted attempts to Apple BASIC) development was abandoned. OS X came along and the Lobster Petting development team quietly ignored the need for a Darwin port. However, 2007 will be forever hailed as a glorious year because the Admiral Colossus (née Master Slack) put on his programming slacks and shat out not only a OS X port, but a Universal port.

Facts and Figures
Okay… So what the hell is it?
Well… It is a picture of a lobster. Using the mouse, you "pet" the lobster by clicking on it. It squeaks. Repeat. Enjoy.

~Lobster Petting 1.5
Now 50% more useless! I've added options to change the background color, a fez, boiling(!), and the ever-popular disco! Version 1.5 also features three new unpopular tunes (written by the ever-so-unpopular Superstar Broccoli Colossus and a few new sound effects (including the much-requested Johnny Dangerously sound clip from the old version!)

Features:
1. Manless pant racing!
2. Coins!
r. Universal Binary!!!
9. Trousers! Trousers! Trousers!
5. A semi-useful help system
Requirements:
1. OS X 10.4 or Later…
2. A Keyboard & Mouse
3. The Quicktime
4. Eyeballs
5. PANTS!

Motor Pants is full of pant racing excitement! Combine coin values to propel your pants beyond all of your competitors, racing against 25 computer-controlled Trousers! Kind of a ultra-simple bastard child of so many gem or coin matching games… The game board is a variable size grid of coins, each coin has a value between 1 and 9 to start; you can combine any two coins that border each other, no matter the value- you receive the number of points of the larger of the two values, if the values are equal, you receive the sum of both (so, for example, you combine a 3 and a 5, you get 5 points… but two 3's combined nets you 6 points.) The coin you "moved" disappears and a coin with the value of the sum of the two combined coins takes the place of the second coin (so in the example above, the resultant coins would be 8 and 6.) Coins above the moved coin move down the grid. The best strategy for the game is obviously to try to combine coins of equal value in the largest denominations possible. Scores can go into the thousands from just a 7x10 grid…

History
After 6 months of the clusterfuck I call Atomic Combat I wanted to start a project that was a) easy to implement, and b) simple to use. So what is easier than a simple mathematics-based coin game, right? One of my friends wrote a simple and strange program called Motor Pants for the PC back in 1998, involving a pair of pants that zoomed at you, yelling in german, and lots of motor sounds. It never went too far… (oddly enough)

Facts & Figures
My first program to implement fully functional Apple Help, the graphics were inspired by 8-bit Nintendo games…

Features:
1. Sound!
2. Graphics!
3. Dynamic weather & sky
5. Zoltan will answer your questions!
XX. Completely Useless!!!
D. Universal Binary
Requirements:
I. A Macintosh (just about any will do)
III. OS X 10.4.7+
IV. RAM (any)
V. A working monitor
VI. Functioning sound

Zoltan 2.0! Now with more!
Zoltan 2.0 provides the same comforting features as version 1.2, but with the added bonuses of: Improved graphics, auto-update, a toolbar, useless help, ritual sacrifice, and an incomplete, meaningless "Book of Zoltan"!
All of this and more, still for the low, low price of free!

History
Who doesn't like big stone heads?
I originally made a program called Zoltan in 1998 on my Mac 6300-something. In the intervening near-decade I've drank a lot and now have no recollection of what Zoltan did or why. I do remember that Zoltan was a giant stone Moai head and that the program never made it out of college-basement-labratory-Alpha release. So, in the interest of confirming my implied insanity, I decided to resurrect this never-finished project that has been lost to the sands of time and outdated computers.

~Version 2.0 includes features originally meant for the game- like the ability to make sacrifices to Zoltan, and an all-around stranger game interface…

Facts & Figures
I started by recreating, to the best of my ability, Zoltan and his environs. I needed a reason for his existence, of course, and thankfully technological advances made during the last decade have allowed me to give him one: He shows you the weather! Much like his slightly-more-useful widget brethren, Zoltan will poll a weather RSS and change his surroundings based on the weather outside! Who needs windows or doors when Zoltan can tell you if it is raining, snowing, cloudy, or even night time outside?!?! Zoltan sits there, the weather swirling around him, waiting for you to ask him a question…