Firstly, this isn't really a question. Secondly, most lobsters don't speak, disco, or wear a fez, so… Why the hell would anyone have a problem with a cooked lobster? No one ever remarks that lobsters don't squeak or mumble even when they are alive, but the damn thing is cooked and suddenly reality comes into play? You people are crazier than I am!

Wellllll… there isn't one. If you need software with a use, please look elsewhere. Next!

Firstly, yes, I realize that smoking is bad for you. So does anyone else who hasn't been living in a cave for the last 40 years. Yes it does cause cancer, but apparently so do many other things some people enjoy. No, I'm not being paid by the tobacco industry to promote smoking. If you believe that your son/daughter/dog/parasitic twin is attracted to smoking because of Desktop Cigarette, you need to immediately stop taking the drugs, come back to reality, and stop blaming everything on external factors (and say something to them- I am not their parent/owner/twin… you are.) Final statement: I am also not the person for your Carrie Nation rant about outlawing smoking, stories about Uncle Fred who talked through a hole in his throat, or general rants about other things I can do nothing about and don't give two shits about. So stuff it. Desktop Cigarette is entertainment, for entertainment purposes (or porpoises,) and if you aren't entertained by it, don't use it (I'm not running some kind of Stalinist software consortium here- you can not use my software if you so choose.)

Finally, a real question... I'm in the process of deciding which programs to port and when. Most everything is easily translated over to PC or Linux, or whatever, but almost every one of my programs has a slew of Mac-specific calls and functions that I have to get around… Even something as simple as an about box is natively supported on Mac, but not on any other system... So it might be a while. Patience.

When I can afford to pay for my own staff of programming robots that shoot lasers from their eyes and defend my laboratory from all invaders, I will port everything to your damned Cray, alright?

Probably, yes. As long as you don't want a baby seal clubbing program, a cuttlefish molester, or something equally vile, I am open to both ideas and custom software. I charge based on a complicated formula derived from the relative difficulty of your project, the position of Venus, a fake mythology I've developed based on the reproductive cycle of the common catfish, and the current price of a new pair of shoes in Bahrain. You can contact me using the link at the bottom of the page.

I included a help file, accessible through the Mac Help menu… But after realizing that people were still confused, I authored the most useless and arcane help PDF known to man, which is included with the new downloads, or available in the Atomic Combat section of the programs page. Apparently the game is still a little confusing to some [most] people- and this is probably due to my poor programming and the nature of the game itself- if you're still having issues (and really want to play the game… which is strange enough), send me an email and I'll try to help as much as possible.

Zoltan is another story altogether. The included help is completely useless (purposely, by the way) and in all actuality he doesn't do anything at all… You see, there is no real point to Zoltan- he just kind of looms, the weather changes, his grass grows… He doesn't actually do anything. So I guess that's the best I can do. Good luck.

Firstly, I'm not tracking any of that- my programs are free, there is no super-complex serial number, and I have no need to spy on you. Secondly, I hate spyware, programs that need to call home, and adware just as much as everyone else- so please take my word that nothing fishy is going on… If you need further proof these are the pages both programs are looking at: acupdate.html (Atomic Combat) and zoltupdate.html (Zoltan)

Possibly. If you want a whole bunch of crazy animation, hardcore SQL junk, or an insane amount of features, I will more than likely tell you to either a) pay me your equivalent weight in gold bullion or b) to stuff it. Why I get this question at all is beyond me, but I guess if you really have something that doesn't involve rebuilding the fucking pyramids, I'll do it…

I pay for my own web hosting, make all this crappy software during my free time, and work for nearly nothing at a record store... So Mojiferous Industries is always in the red. I don't actually expect anyone to ever donate or click, but I figure it doesn't hurt to try, right?

I know. I'd love to fix it, but 1) I don't really feel like spending an extra week breaking code and adding css hacks for non-standards compliant browsers, and 2) 97%+ of my traffic comes from Safari/Firefox/Opera/etc. (in other words, W3C standards compliant browsers... oh- an MS stopped supporting IE on Mac back at version 5, and since all of my software is currently Mac-only, there isn't much of a reason for me to break my back for compatibility, now is there?) One day, maybe when I port something to PC, I'll go through and fix this- in the meantime, I'm sorry Windows IE users- but my site really sucks when you look at it.